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  #1  
Old 12th April 2007
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Post Marriage & Secrets, Advise Please!

A friend of mine called me this morning and was sort of asking my advice with a problem he has. I really didn't know what to say at the time, was wondering what you all on the forum suggest. The short version of his story is that his wife set up a money market account in Dec. of 2005 while he was out of town. She had told him about setting up the account and showed him where the checkbook and statements were being kept. He noticed at the time just her name was on the checks and asked about it. His wife said he wasn't there to sign the paperwork, but his name was on the account and he could write checks or make withdrawals the same as she. He never thought no more about it, his wife usually handles all the bill paying and such, and has for thirty something years of marriage he said. My buddy said his wife had been distant, didn't treat him the same, picking little fights and all and had been going on several weeks now. He was home alone as wife works a different shift, got to thinking about that account she set up, and he called the bank. Turns out that the account only has her name....his name or social security number is NOT on the account. He can NOT write a check or withdraw from the account. The balance as of today was a little over $3,000. He was trying to justify her actions to me, that she didn't trust him anymore as he had a brief affair some 14 years ago and had admitted it to her due to guilt feelings and all. His thinking is that maybe she just wants a security net incase it would ever happen again. Now she doesn't trust him, he doesn't trust her....doesn't seem like good things for a marriage to me. What do you all think? Thanks ahead of time for any advice, he's been a friend of mine most of my adult life.
  #2  
Old 12th April 2007
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They need to communicate and discuss the anti-trust issues.
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  #3  
Old 12th April 2007
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No such thing as secrets in a good marriage.

Trust is one of the basic foundations.

I can barely get away with sneaking around to buy her x-mass presents... lol.

K
  #4  
Old 12th April 2007
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I think it really depends on what $3000 means to that couple. Is $3000 a lot of money to them or is it a small amount. Does she work and earn decent money?
  #5  
Old 12th April 2007
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They should defiantly sit down and talk. Shouldn't justify her actions on something that happen 14 yrs ago. Something is up IMO. If it is a non-trust issue maybe see a counselor to talk about it get it out on the table. Good luck to your friend. With out trust there is nothing.
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  #6  
Old 12th April 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kev M View Post
No such thing as secrets in a good marriage.

Trust is one of the basic foundations.

I can barely get away with sneaking around to buy her x-mass presents... lol.

K
i don't completely agree with this.

i mean, i'm not saying that someone in a couple should lead a double life,
but
i also don't want to know who my old lady thinks about when she rubs one out, i DEFINITELY don't wanna know that five minutes ago when my wife took a dump there was peanuts and corn in it.

i think there needs to be a happy medium - make sure you both know what's going on with the big stuff, but leave a little mystery to make it fun.

example:

finding out 20 years into your marriage that your wife is a lesbian, hates you, and used your retirement to finance a cockfighting venture in Cuba = bad

finding out 20 years into your marriage that your wife always had a crush on Ricardo Montleban and was too emabarassed to tell you = kinda cute.

finding out 20 years into your marriage that when your wife was a child she was an staunch supporter of the Nazi Regime and has the armband to prove it = bad

finding out 20 years into your marriage that your wife was the fan club president of Menudo = well, i'll let you decide that one.
  #7  
Old 12th April 2007
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oh now come on dude, don't you think that statement is a little absurd and extreme?
I think the whole jist of the question is IMPORTANT things not that petty crap.

I agree whole heartedly with Kevin, you ain't gonna make it with bulls t
in a relationship! (23yrs for the boss and me)

Quote:
Originally Posted by celtic View Post
i don't completely agree with this.

i mean, i'm not saying that someone in a couple should lead a double life,
but
i also don't want to know who my old lady thinks about when she rubs one out, i DEFINITELY don't wanna know that five minutes ago when my wife took a dump there was peanuts and corn in it.
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  #8  
Old 12th April 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DEANER View Post
oh now come on dude, don't you think that statement is a little absurd and extreme?
I think the whole jist of the question is IMPORTANT things not that petty crap.
well, to be fair, he made the joke about him almost having to sneak her xmas presents...

lighten up, francis.
  #9  
Old 12th April 2007
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Default $3000

She is either saving for a rainy day which could mean she plans to dump him. OR
She could be saving for HER retirement.
OR
She could be saving for both their retirements.

Oh and it doesn't really matter whose name the account is in because in NYS, it's 50/50. Even if her name is on it, tell your friend not to sweat it. They'll be bigger battles than$3000 in the big scheme of a divorce and compared to what she can do to him if she is a stay at home wife. Alternatively, if they have kids he's f d. The only money that is untouchable in a divorce is money that is inherited.

If he thinks it is another man, tell him to check her cell phone. It has all the answers and always does!
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Old 12th April 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kev M View Post
No such thing as secrets in a good marriage.

Trust is one of the basic foundations.

I can barely get away with sneaking around to buy her x-mass presents... lol.

K

My wife is worse than a kid--I can't leave her present in the house or she'll find it and open it.
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