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kiltbill
30th September 2006, 12:54
It was a quiet cold Monday at XLForum. Too quiet, I thought, slowly polishing the Headlight on my trusty Harley Sportster. The XLF is not the kind of place that likes to keep secrets, and my tingling senses told me that somewhere in The forum somebody was spilling some beans. And in my line of work, you get to know deep down in your gut those beans have a habit of being silent - but deadly.

My name is Bill. And I'm a dick.

I had just finished the final teleprompter read-through on the Alberto P Linson caper (The Sadist Wore a Beanie) when a familiar figure sauntered into the studio.

"Look what the cat drug in," I smiled. "What brings you down to the salt mines, doc?"

doc and I were once tighter than two cousins in a Kentucky hayloft. He helped show me the ropes at XLF back when I was a green rookie straight out of the programming academy, but lately I sensed tension between us after the release of my latest Moderator thread.

"Can the wisecracks, newsreader," he sneered. "You've got a little date with Commissioner Gazza downtown."

"Gee, maybe I should buy a corsage. Sorry, doc. I'm washing my hair."

"No dice, Bill-O. They've got the goods on you this time, and you better check that smart mouth of yours at the door."

"Aw, nuts doc. You know I'm busy following a lead in the big Klown Scandal. Tell Gazza to schedule it through my secretary, Sportster Girl."

"Bill," he paused, taking a breath. "Mel’s... gone."





No - no - not Mel...





TO BE CONTINUED....:smoke

Jimbo999
30th September 2006, 13:37
So far, so good.

kiltbill
30th September 2006, 13:43
****************************
Gazza peeled off his tortoise shell glasses and gave me a blank stare.
"We've been through this several times now, Bill," he sighed. "The evidence was fake. Forgeries. Made up from whole cloth. There is no Willyp. The case is closed."

"So," I pondered, "you're thinking we need to set up a stakeout in the Forum?"

"Bill," he bellowed, "The Mods secrets were on XLF stationery, and originally discovered in the saddle bags of Mels '99 Sporty. Moderators do not address each other as 'Dude' and 'Bro.' Mel FedExed them to Stevo six times for spell checking."

"No speaky Esperanto, Commissioner! What's your angle?"

"You're dangerous Bill and now you are heading into even deeper waters.You keep posting dangerous threads before contacting document experts (The Mods), and when you do, it's causing no end of trouble. Then you spent money on a schizophrenic man (WAbiker) who said he could build a steam-powered Sportster and a time machine."

I planted my hands on the desk, and leaned over into Gazza’s face.

"I see where this is all going, Commissioner. You're in on it too! You're just going to sit there and take it when there is a criminal in high office in the Forum who stole over 20 NHRS systems from The US Army!"

"That's enough, Bill," he growled. "Turn in your microphone. You're suspended."

"Too late Gazza. I'm suspending myself, at full pay."

I slammed the door behind me. It looked like this investigation would be strictly freelance.



:D

Clarinetcat
30th September 2006, 13:56
"Look what the cat drug in," I smiled.
How the hell did I get involved in this?!?!? :rolleyes:

kiltbill
30th September 2006, 14:05
How the hell did I get involved in this?!?!? :rolleyes:


:smoke

No one is Innocent!

cootertwo
30th September 2006, 14:14
more....more

kiltbill
30th September 2006, 15:02
I decided it might be best to lie low for a while. Knowing staying at my place could have its drawbacks I headed over to this Broads house. My knock at the door soon brought a response. She opened the door in her Negligee, funny place to have a door I thought.

Beautiful would have been too kind a description, but after a few JD’s Marilyn Monroe couldn’t have looked better. The evening passed uneventfully apart from some great S*x. Well it was great for me. I should have realised she had been round the block a few times, when I stripped. "Who the hell you gonna satisfy with that?" she asked. Not missing a beat I quickly replied "Me".

At first light Dawn came through the Window I knew it was time to leave. I always made it a rule never to get in the way of 2 women in Love, and Dawn after completing a night shift at the Fish factory was not one to mess with. I slipped out the back and jumped on the Bike, at least something in this life was Faithful.

This whole thing was beginning to smell. I realised it was time to leave town and head for warmer climates. If anyone would know what was going on it would be Mr J. The only downside of this would be the obligatory Oysters and Beer menu. But Hell a man’s got to do. At least I knew there would be a welcome sign down there.

Casper
30th September 2006, 15:14
As the first light Dawn came through the Window I knew it was time to leave. I always made it a rule never to get in the way of 2 women in Love...
:roflblack :roflblack :roflblack

avnsteve
30th September 2006, 15:17
How the hell did I get involved in this?!?!? :rolleyes:

precisely what I was thinking...
you must have been a scout, in on the caper before you even joined the forum:doh

avnsteve
30th September 2006, 15:19
is this a sticky yet? I'd very much like to keep up with this one!

cootertwo
30th September 2006, 15:26
Bill, you should write a book..... good one, keep us posted .... any pictures of "Dawn"

kiltbill
30th September 2006, 15:27
Bill, you should write a book..... good one, keep us posted .... any pictures of "Dawn"

Geting written as it goes along so you're gonna have to bear with me on this one folks...!

Big_Baazzoo
30th September 2006, 17:38
HaHaHa!!:roflblack :roflblack :roflblack

Keep it up, buddy, you're funny!

kiltbill
30th September 2006, 18:41
I needed answers and I needed them fast. A little bird told me I smelled a rat, and when my bird smells rats, there's sure to be a red herring around. Herring... I thought. Like in The Big Twin rip-off. Playing a hunch, I booked the next Train for Florida.

It was raining cats and dogs when the train salamandered into the Station. I ducked through the Pullman doors, hoping this was not another wild goose chase.

"Bill! Over here!"

It was my old pal Mr Jimi whom I had telegraphed during a stopover. A hardbitten Florida hound, Jim knew every sleazy nook and cranny in the sewer of the XLForum underworld.

"What've you got for me Jim?"

"Seems you've made a few enemies in Forumtown, Billy boy. I thought we might pay a call on two charming fellows that go by the moniker of The Nitrous Crew. They've been trying to get my parrot for a long time." replied Jimi

"Sounds interesting," I said. "But let's get something to eat. I'm hungry as a horse-eating bear."

bplinson
30th September 2006, 18:44
The suspense is killing me!!

kiltbill
30th September 2006, 21:00
I should let you folks into a thing or two before I continue.

Welcome to the Bermuda triangle of the Web. I got suckered into the place, just like the rest of you. Okay it's was no New York, but what the heck the local hostel had good cold beer, and all in all folks minded their own business.

Soon it aint the New place anymore and it's like that Old coat you wrap round you when the wind's pushing you down the sidewalk and the rains beating a new tune on your Fedora. A place to rest the mind and let the low murmur of conversation wash over you. You got to know the regulars, a hard bitten, world weary lot for the most part but with still enough soul and life to know whats good.

So life rolls on, but sure didn't take Einstien to figure out something was wrong here. The lighting was always low and moody and that suited us all for the most part. But thats when I noticed things seemed to be changing. Where once sat a regular there was a new guy, arrived quietly and just merged into the crowd. So where were all the regulars dissapearing to?

The local town Law enforcement was ran by Chief Alberto P Linson. A decent seeming guy, but only glimpsed rarely, and his band of Moderators as they called themselves. Personally I think the term Henchmen suited them better! Every place has its share of trouble-makers but Damned if they didn't get run out pretty quickly in this one.

Discreetly I started asking around about the missing few, only to be given Cake Icing for an answer, sure it looked and sounded good, "Oh... He's on vacation..." "Would you believe it he's went to the BIG TWIN city..." He'll be back soon...Work stuff..." Well it may have looked and sounded good, but once you took a bite it was just far too sweet.

Then came the veiled threats from those bastions of Goodness "The Moderators", "You sure do ask a lot of questions Billy Boy..." "What's with all the jabber Kilt?..." Soon I got it, best to listen and talk less...
Well there you go folks. Someone had to find out what was going on and in a moment of madness I decided it may as well be me.

As I left the bar that night I heard Gazza lean over to the old guy at the piano and say "Play it again Cantolina, you played it for willyp, now you can play it for me".....

Matt
1st October 2006, 03:48
Kilt"Mickey Spillain"Bill is a master of a forgotten art! Matt Keep it coming my friend!

Clarinetcat
1st October 2006, 04:54
I always made it a rule never to get in the way of 2 women in Love, and Dawn after completing a night shift at the Fish factory was not one to mess with...This whole thing was beginning to smell.
Mmmmmm.... fish........ :laugh

Common Bill... no sleeping! I hope there is a new installment to go with my morning coffee!

avnsteve
1st October 2006, 05:07
spillane wished his stories were this good!

DustyJacket
1st October 2006, 05:15
So, this is what happens when one goes straight and gets better, eh?

When is the next installment?

Takingabreak
1st October 2006, 05:28
So far so good, but I can't shake the feeling that with will end in a firery bloody tragedy.

Clarinetcat
1st October 2006, 05:43
Discreetly I started asking around... only to be given Cake Icing for an answer..." "Would you believe it he's went to the BIG TWIN city..."

So far so good, but I can't shake the feeling that with will end in a firery bloody tragedy.

<gasp> I can't believe it!

<sound of cheesy, spooky organ chords> I think it's YOU, Jeffy!

Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kiltbill
1st October 2006, 14:48
Seeing the 40’ high glowing red Neon sign proclaiming ‘Florida Welcomes, Bill, Forum Town’s biggest dick’, led me to believe I hadn’t stressed enough to Jim how low a profile I was keeping.

It wasn’t long before the first Oysters were slipping down my throat like well-oiled slugs. I got straight to the point, well as straight to the point as possible with Mr J. The conversation was like that switchback road you dream about with perfect curves and bends that you handled like a pro. But in reality was a snaking, oil-slicked bitch of a road that would spit of the unwary like an excited Lady with no pants riding a bucking bronco.

Soon enough though, I had met the Birds (The feathered variety) seen Jim’s metalwork skills and had the obligatory tour of the Trucks, cars and bike. “So Jimmy, what’s the real story behind the Forum’s missing members?” He went paler than a Scotsmans testicle’s in Winter. “What? Hey have you seen my digger?” he blurted quickly changing the subject.

“Come on Jim, where have they gone?”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about Bill, they all come back… Just busy I guess” I knew I was getting the run around, but knew not to push Jim too far. Those birds of his had evil beaks and they weren’t scared to use them.
“Okay, okay Jim… No problem, just curiosity”
“Dang Billy, curiosity around here don’t just kill the Cat, it makes sure the cat knows why it’s getting killed and takes its time about it…” This maybe explained why every time I posted a Questioning thread, the very next thread was about “My favourite Gun” I just realised it may be a warning, and as subtle a Warning as the ubiquitous Horses head on the pillow.

“Listen carefully Bill, this is all just Rubbish, you hear?” Whispered Jim “Nothing but rubbish, you know… like the discarded Rubbish you find at the river edge in Forum Town and I aint saying anymore” Suddenly it struck me, just like the Cat did in the Men’s magazine and the Claw story that Jim would say no more. As the Cab pulled out of Jim’s yard I saw him holding up the sign… “River rubbish” It didn’t take a dick as smart as me to figure out where I was heading next.

Clarinetcat
1st October 2006, 17:15
“Dang Billy, curiosity around here don’t just kill the Cat, it makes sure the cat knows why it’s getting killed and takes its time about it…”

http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m96/clarinetcat1/Funny%20Photos/Static%20Cats/scaredcat.jpg

This has suddenly become a horrifying story... full of suspense and mystery.

Dare I say I am... curious?!?!?


“Listen carefully Bill, this is all just Rubbish, you hear?” Whispered Jim “Nothing but rubbish, you know… like the discarded Rubbish you find at the river edge in Forum Town and I aint saying anymore."
















http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m96/clarinetcat1/Funny%20Photos/Static%20Cats/deadcatbag.jpg

kiltbill
1st October 2006, 17:22
http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m96/clarinetcat1/Funny%20Photos/Static%20Cats/scaredcat.jpg

This has suddenly become a horrifying story... full of suspense and mystery.

Dare I say I am... curious?!?!?



















http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m96/clarinetcat1/Funny%20Photos/Static%20Cats/deadcatbag.jpg

You're okay Chucky boy, no dead cats...














































YET....;)

Clarinetcat
1st October 2006, 17:27
You're okay Chucky boy, no dead cats...
YET....;)
Paranoia has set in... set in deep, I say...
The....... mind control....... satellite ray....... must be....... working.......
I have to log now.

Irondrake77
1st October 2006, 17:32
Quite the story of intrigue. I don't know how I missed this thread till now. very classy Bill :clap

kiltbill
1st October 2006, 17:56
Quite the story of intrigue. I don't know how I missed this thread till now. very classy Bill :clap

I have written some more, so will post as soon as I can. Was initially just going to be a wee giggle, but since this has taken on a life of it's own I am trying to make it worthwhile, so be patient with me....

:rolleyes:

Big_Baazzoo
1st October 2006, 18:25
Yay, Bill!

kiltbill
1st October 2006, 20:09
Back in Forum Town I soon found an old salty Sea-Dog who was willing to help for the right deal, however no matter how clever a talking Dog is, it’s of no use to me in finding what was at the bottom of that River.

I searched out Cap’n Predator (An odd name but gained in the Dark parts of Mexico, I never did ask why) who for a tankard of Ale was always willing.

Dragging a river is one of the most gruesome tasks of an investigator. Even if it's for garbage. I found out witnesses had seen a woman who’s description fitted Mel dump a large cardboard box into the River near Reputation Street (Not a place many went these days, since rep had long since been taken from the inhabitants) before she went missing, and I was determined to sift through the evidence no matter what the net dredged up.

Mel knew the truth, and somewhere in murky waters was the clue that was finally going to rip the lid off the whole coverup operation.

The first two net-loads that spilled onto the deck of the scow yielded little useable information - hair dryer, a rusty bicycle, high-top granny panties, a phone directory, a soggy copy of Microsoft Excel for Dummies.


The third load: we hit paydirt…


"Hey, look at this Mr. Bill," said Cap'n Pred, the scow's jovial and by now very drunk skipper. "Some sort of note."

I held it to the moonlight.

Meet Me at Avatars, it read, with a mysterious signature: bikette.



:)

Matt
1st October 2006, 23:00
NEXT! Matt

wabiker
1st October 2006, 23:19
Rare form Billy-o ...rare form indeed.:clap :clap

*whos in rare form?*:frownone
*Billy-o is*:rolleyes:
*whos Billy-o?*:(
*that other guy*:o
*what other guy?*:frownthre
*you know..the other guy that HEARS uS*:shhhh
*oh, you mean besides us?*:laugh
*yea.............................................. ......uS*:wonderlan

kiltbill
1st October 2006, 23:29
Rare form Billy-o ...rare form indeed.:clap :clap

*whos in rare form?*:frownone
*Billy-o is*:rolleyes:
*whos Billy-o?*:(
*that other guy*:o
*what other guy?*:frownthre
*you know..the other guy that HEARS uS*:shhhh
*oh, you mean besides us?*:laugh
*yea.............................................. ......uS*:wonderlan

"He don't hear you Wa" :frownone
"Who doesn't hear Wa?" :wonderlan
"He doesn't?" :rolleyes:
"How do you know?" :o
"Because 'They' said so" :(

"Hmmmmm, 'They' say a lot of things, don't they" :wonderlan
" 'They' sure do" :frownthre


:wonderlan

Clarinetcat
1st October 2006, 23:35
I heard that!

http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m96/clarinetcat1/Funny%20Photos/Static%20Cats/mindcontrolcat.jpg

kiltbill
1st October 2006, 23:46
I heard that!

http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m96/clarinetcat1/Funny%20Photos/Static%20Cats/mindcontrolcat.jpg

Freakin Foil Beanies! :gun


:gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun :gun

You're using dem 9 lives up fast Mr Cat...:gun

kiltbill
6th October 2006, 20:17
Once my eyes had adjusted to the smoky atmosphere I had a quick look around. Like any low rent hang out that sold cheap booze it attracted the usual motley crew. At the booth beside the bar sat 4 very well known faces. Lagerdrinker, Casper, Ole and Gazza, now considering Gazza's position in Forum Town this would have surpirsed the unwary, but when you got to know what a Mad bastard Gary was the surprise soon ceased. Part of the Dead Horse crew these guys were dangerous, but not in the old drag you out the back way. No these guys were much more subtle. They used words to wear you down like the old water drip on the head torture.

There were many more in The Dead Horse crew, but unlike some these guys were the Real deal. They didn’t just drop in 1 quick post and vanish. They were in any thread for the long haul, and if you weren’t careful you could soon find out it was you’re sorry ass they were hauling behind the Dead Horse.

As usual the conversation was deep and meaningless, that didn’t mean they were dumb by any means. They just enjoyed taking a simple subject and turning it into something that used more words than Shakespeare had ever dreamt of. For 2 hours now they had been discussing the merits of Wearing your underpants on the outside of you’re jeans. Sounds impossible? 2 hours of Hardened Bikers discussing underpants? Maybe… But these guys could take a innocent topic and tie up the UN, Congress and the league of Nations and leave them wondering how they ever gained office.

Sitting next to Commissioner Gazza was Ole, if you met him in a dark alley you would love to describe him as a gentle and caring soul who wouldn’t hurt a fly. However this would be a blatant lie you were telling yourself so that you didn’t have to face up to the fact that there was an 8’ Mountain in front of you, who may not be wiling to hurt a fly but would be delighted to reduce you to a small collection of body parts should he feel the occasion merited it.

I walked away before they saw me, knowing if I got caught in their spider’s web of a conversation I would never escape. Looking deeper into the Bar I glimpsed her sitting alone near the stage. Her beauty captivated me every time I saw her. I walked towards the table and was about to speak when she waved her hand at the empty chair beside her and quietly said “Why don’t you take the weight of you’re feet Billy boy, you must be needing a rest after all you’re travels”

They may have shared the same name but unlike her TV namesake, this Xena was truly dangerous and none of it was an act.



…………………………………………………………………………………….

wabiker
6th October 2006, 20:26
Marvelous...:clap :clap

Jimbo999
6th October 2006, 20:28
Daym !!
Keeps gettin' better and better. You silver tongued (Keyboard) bastage....:clap

kiltbill
6th October 2006, 20:29
Soory about the delay, busy kinda week so not much chance to scribble a few words...:o

Will try and catch up!

Clarinetcat
7th October 2006, 22:15
Soory about the delay, busy kinda week so not much chance to scribble a few words...:o

Will try and catch up!
Hope to hear some more when you get the opportunity, Bill!

Matt
7th October 2006, 22:24
Better and better Bill! Heard from Xena yet? Matt

Jimbo999
7th October 2006, 22:32
You left us hanging just as things started getting juicy.........:rolleyes:

kiltbill
7th October 2006, 22:36
You left us hanging just as things started getting juicy.........:rolleyes:

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Xena... :D



:doh Who am I kiddin'!!! :doh

Nother chapter coming soon to a Forum near you....;)

nmbillb
14th October 2006, 18:15
Still waiting....btw, nice job so far.

kiltbill
14th October 2006, 19:09
Still waiting....btw, nice job so far.

Next Part coming soon....

An Invitation...

Clarinetcat
14th October 2006, 19:52
For 2 hours now they had been discussing the merits of Wearing your underpants on the outside of you’re jeans. Sounds impossible? 2 hours of Hardened Bikers discussing underpants? Maybe…
I like how you tactfully left out the fact that they wear women's underpants on the outside of their jeans. :wonderlan

Moker
14th October 2006, 20:40
http://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gif

kiltbill
14th October 2006, 21:44
http://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gif

:roflblack :roflblack :roflblack

Smart Ass, now don't you guys go feeling you are putting any pressure on!

:hidechai :sofa :hidechai :buddies

Clarinetcat
15th October 2006, 01:53
http://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gifhttp://www.moker.us/pic/popcorn.gif
Yah, I eat all my popcorn during the previews because they last about 20 minutes nowadays...
Get to the Main Attraction, already! :clap

kiltbill
15th October 2006, 13:58
The invitation


Meanwhile, high up in Plinson Towers Alberto had requested the company of the Moderators to a small get together in the boardroom. To call this invitation by Albert P Linson a request could be construed as being just a touch more than slightly misleading, in fact it would be completely misleading.

It would in fact be the same as finding yourself in the rear seat of a caged Cop car, hands firmly handcuffed behind you’re back, and a smiling Cop in the front seat leaning over and telling you ‘How pleased he was that you had chosen his car to take a pleasure ride in’ In short an invite to Alberto’s was nothing more than a Final Demand, and one that if not obeyed could result in some harsh words at best, at worst finding yourself looking down on your recently occupied dead body and wondering ‘what happened there!’

“Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so pleased you could all find the time to join me” Alberto announced to the silent group around the table flashing his broadest smile. “I will do my utmost not to take up to much of you’re valuable time” he continued smoothly “I am very aware that you were given short notice for this meeting and should anyone have more urgent matters to attend to please feel free to use the Express lift should you need to leave” he purred.

Now knowing the Moderators as you do, and also now being well enough informed to realise that this may not be one of the most relaxed and pleasant of meetings, you would assume that one or more of the assembled members would have found a suitable and believable excuse for leaving and would have no doubt felt no small measure of relief at this generous offer and get out clause and taken full advantage of slipping out and using the extremely rapid ‘Express Lift’

However in all the years of the XLF’s existence only one member had taken up this offer. He immediately made his excuses to the room, bowing and scraping he backed towards the lift. Pressing the button the lift doors opened immediately and with a huge sigh of relief he stepped quickly inside. The sigh of relief however was quickly replaced by a diminishing scream as his brain came to terms with the fact that unlike most elevators this particular lift was powered by gravity, and by stepping inside you were in fact stepping straight outside of this 100 story building.

“I will get straight to the point” which was another misleading statement, since Alberto only ever got straight to the point. He firmly believed that words were like money and should be used sparingly and carefully. “We seem to have a curious member in our midst, who foolishly believes there are some sinister goings on behind some of our members ‘moving on as it were’”

"You're thoughts on this matter would be appreciated..."

The room was silent as the Mods decided which was the best way to respond and deal with this without somehow ending up at the Bottom of the River. "Let's kill him" was the first cry, which gained the response of a raised eyebrow and a smile from the 'Boss' "Now, now... No need for silly comments, we are not Animals" This was in fact true and a fact that gave no small amount of relief to the Animal Kingdom as a whole, even the Hyenas weren't that Nasty and Evil...

"Are there any more, shall we say educated ideas on how we should deal with this....?"




KB

Clarinetcat
15th October 2006, 14:01
Mmmmmmm.... goes good with morning coffee!!!

:coffee