PDA

View Full Version : I was wrong...sort of.


650brad
7th April 2007, 05:58
I posted a thread awhile back asking if anyone had a loved one with depression and how did they deal with it. I was trying to deal with and understand what I had been through for almost 4 years. I got some excellent responses from y'all and I would like to say thanks to all that did respond. But, in the last week, or so, I was talking to someone about the ex and as I described some of her erratic behaviour, this woman suggested to me something that I had never heard of before. It's called Borderline Personality Disorder. So, I came home and looked it up on the 'net and HOLT SH*T. There it was, everything that I had been through with her. Extreme and sudden mood changes for no apparent reason, shifting blame onto me and others, uncontrolled spending, sexual deviance(she slept with ALOT of guys before we met), depression, low self esteem, anxiety, a history of intense and stormy relationships, everything is either good or evil, black or white with no "gray" areas, denial(I'm OK, you're the one who needs help), the silent treatment and the list goes on and on. What really capped it off for me was when I read about how the loved ones of these people react to and interact with the sufferers. There I was. Her, me and our whole relationship right there in front of me. There are 9 criteria for this disorder and in order to be diagnosed the person must meet 5 or more. I'm no phsychologist but, after living it, she meets at least 6. I'm still kinda blown away because, even though I know she suffers from depression and that's a part of it, I always knew there was more to it but, couldn't figure it out. Our relationship is over, even though she still keep popping up here and there but, at least I finally have all the pieces to the puzzle. I know now that I never stood a chance with her, it was over long before it started. The reason I'm telling you this is because, as far as I can tell, this is not a well known illness amongst the general public. Nearly everyone I've told about this has never heard of it or if they have heard of it but, didn't know what it was. So, I'll ask this. Has anyone had a loved one with BPD and how did you deal with it?

http://www.bpdcentral.com/

blrides
7th April 2007, 07:15
OMG. Yep, that's my wife. And I don't just say that after reading your msg. She has been diagnosed with it. Most of the time she is obsessive compulsive, but when something goes wrong she flips way out.
How did I deal with it? Not sure, I'm still in the middle of that!
Basically I'm trying to hang on for the kids' sake, but .....well you know.

Crazy, this is the last thing I figured I'd see on this site! haha

Later

milmat1
7th April 2007, 13:55
650, I am glad that you have learned about this and are willing to share it. I can't help but wonder how many people have been diagnosed and treated for only one of the symtoms rather than the real problem. Especially with the way Dr.'s like to shuffle people through the office like cattle anymore.
Good Luck Dude, and I hope understanding it, Makes it easier !!

Paulie420
7th April 2007, 16:54
I'd have different advice if you'd said you were still working it out with her. The sucky short story advice is stay away now that your already out.

I was with a depression/eating disorder grrl for a minute and ate myself up trying to 'help' the unhelpable.

Find another, brother.

milmat1
7th April 2007, 17:08
Its hard not to try to help someone you love,

No Matter what they do to you !!!

Ask My Wife !! .:shhhh

flathead45
7th April 2007, 17:12
my ol'lady has these pills and when I take them she's no longer a problem:D :D :smoke :D :D

650brad
7th April 2007, 21:53
Thanks everyone. milmat, you're right about the misdiagnosis thing. That's one of the things I learned in doing my research about this, as well as alot of therapists don't really want to deal with people with BPD because it is a difficult thing to treat. The BPD sufferer does the denial thing to the therapist. And it really is hard not to try to help someone you love, except with this disorder, you can't. They have to want to get help, all you are is a pain in the ass to them if you try to help. You are the one who's -I LUV XLF!--I LUV XLF!--I LUV XLF!--I LUV XLF!--I LUV XLF!--I LUV XLF!--I LUV XLF!--I LUV XLF!- up. There are varying levels to this, too. Low- functioning BP's are openly abusive, sometimes physically violent and may attempt suicide. My ex is a high-functioning BP. Most of the time she functions normally, is an outgoing, life of the party type. That's why most of her friends don't believe me when I tell them what I've been through. She only shows her true colors to the person closest to her. Yet, she has a history of going from job to job, relationship to relationship. When the stress level of any situation gets too high, then the trouble starts. On our 6 month anniversary she told me that I had lasted longer than most, that most of her relationships were over by that point. And, she liked to say that it takes a strong man to be her partner. Well, I lasted nearly 8 times the average and I consider myself a strong person, I'm not a quitter and I wasn't strong enough. It really used up all my emotional energy and I'm just now getting it back. The emotional rollercoaster and walking on eggshells for so long really took a toll on me. Funny thing is, I've had a few conversations with a couple of her old BF's and we were finishing each others sentences. LoL! It was kinda freaky but, at least I'm not alone. I'm just the only one to figure it out, everyone else just told her to get lost. What has always made this so hard for me is that when this disorder wasn't ripping us apart, she's the most awesome chick I've ever been with. Oh well, my only hope for her is that someday she gets the help she needs and finds true happiness. I'm moving on and will be long gone before that ever happens, if it happens at all.

NRHS Sales
7th April 2007, 22:01
Borderline Personality Disorder is well known in the mental health community.

I was a mental health specialist for 20 years in the Army and nobody in our office ever wanted a Borderline as their patient. As the name says it is a personality disorder. These folks are almost impossible to change as your personality is ingrained in you. To say that they would drain you as a therapist was an understatementr. When they didn't get enougjh attention from you they would up the ante with suicidal gestures, especially if they knew you were the one on call that weekend!!

A very high percentage of Borderlines were sexually abused as children and almost all are women. Most strippers are bordelines as well.

Borderlines are very fun at first to date as they usually are quite fun in the sack but after the sex wears off the "rest" of the baggae gets overwhelming.

We used to say in our office that Borderlines were great to date just don't marry them!!! And never tell them your real name or let them know where you live or work. :)

650brad
7th April 2007, 22:34
Thanks for the input Dan. I figured that sooner or later someone with some kind of formal training would chime in. You're right, my ex is quite fun in the sack but, not the best I've ever had and not as good as she thinks she is. The thing with her is she's told me numerous times that she is tired of feeling and living like this, that she knows she has a problem. She just never knew what it was 'til now. I wrote her a letter a few days ago telling her what I found out. A letter was the only way I could have done it, I didn't want to deal with her, I didn't want a confrontation. Chicken? You bet! I don't think she was sexually abused but, I know her Mom was very critical and demanding. Her Mom never had any problem expressing her disappointment that some of her children didn't meet her expectations. Again, thanks for the input.

NRHS Sales
7th April 2007, 22:40
You might be surprised about how many girls have been abused by family members or "friends" of the family.

I do not think you are a chicken at all not to want to deal with her. As i saisd no therapists wanted a Borderline as a patient and we would pass them off to an unsuspecting "newbie" whenever possible.

650brad
7th April 2007, 22:54
If I ever get the chance to ask her about sexual abuse, I will. She seems to keep popping up in my life, in various ways, no matter how hard I try to avoid her. Now that riding season is here I'm expecting a call to help her get her bike going. It probably won't be pretty, though, if I do ask her. No matter how delicately you approach her about something the possibility of fireworks exists. That's why I left, to preserve my sanity and my sense of self-worth. I didn't want to leave, I had to. Maybe if I had known sooner exactly what I was dealing with I might have been able to deal with it. Or not. Maybe I just would have left sooner.:doh

NRHS Sales
7th April 2007, 23:41
You probably would have left sooner. Do not expect any big changes out of her even if she does attend therapy. They love to sabotage their treatment just when it seems they are getting better. Why would they do that you might ask?

Simple, if they are "normal" they will not get as much attention. I am sure you can attest to how badly she seeks attention. The life of the party I would guess.

66impala
8th April 2007, 01:15
Now that she is your ex, stay away from her altogether. Dont random meet her to talk about her past and this condition you found.

Whens the last time you pulled the gas cap off your gas tank and used a lighter to look inside to see if its full!

Find someone else who is mentally healthy.

Rob Henderson
8th April 2007, 03:18
Good Luck Dude....and stay as far away as possible..........

650brad
8th April 2007, 07:15
Find someone else who is mentally healthy.

That's the plan. I'm not the one popping up in her life like she seems to do to me. The only time I have initiated any contact lately was the letter I wrote her. My main reason for posting about this was to find out how others have dealt with it and to pass on what I've found out. Hopefully, someone else can use the info. I'm moving on, trying to re-energize myself and getting back into the dating game again. If I can bring one positive thing out of this it would be that I now know, from first hand experience, what this disorder is all about and I'll be able to recognise it pretty quick if I encounter it again and bail out as fast as possible. I will always care about her and I truly hope that, someday, she finds some real and lasting happiness. I'm not bitter about how things went with me and her, just sad and disappointed. I know it wasn't her fault or my fault. I blame whomever or whatever brought this on to her. If she was sexually abused, whoever did that should have his private parts deep fried while still attatched.

el jinete fantasma
9th April 2007, 17:45
I've had a couple exes that were very close to fitting that description. It's hard not to take it personally, but you really do have to keep reminding yourself that it's not your problem, it's their's! You're just lucky enough to be in the line of fire when you're with them. ;~)
Yeah, the best advise to find someone who is more "together." The thing is, women with those sorts of disorders seem more fun, more vibrant when you first meet them. I find that "normal" women don't grab my attention in the same way. I guess I just enjoy the torture. haha!

Shai`tan
11th April 2007, 04:04
Odd. Every criteria on that list in the topic post describes just about everyone I have ever met in life. Me included. lol

CustomBlue
11th April 2007, 04:09
I posted a thread awhile back asking if anyone had a loved one with depression and how did they deal with it. I was trying to deal with and understand what I had been through for almost 4 years. I got some excellent responses from y'all and I would like to say thanks to all that did respond. But, in the last week, or so, I was talking to someone about the ex and as I described some of her erratic behaviour, this woman suggested to me something that I had never heard of before. It's called Borderline Personality Disorder. So, I came home and looked it up on the 'net and HOLT SH*T. There it was, everything that I had been through with her. Extreme and sudden mood changes for no apparent reason, shifting blame onto me and others, uncontrolled spending, sexual deviance(she slept with ALOT of guys before we met), depression, low self esteem, anxiety, a history of intense and stormy relationships, everything is either good or evil, black or white with no "gray" areas, denial(I'm OK, you're the one who needs help), the silent treatment and the list goes on and on. What really capped it off for me was when I read about how the loved ones of these people react to and interact with the sufferers. There I was. Her, me and our whole relationship right there in front of me. There are 9 criteria for this disorder and in order to be diagnosed the person must meet 5 or more. I'm no phsychologist but, after living it, she meets at least 6. I'm still kinda blown away because, even though I know she suffers from depression and that's a part of it, I always knew there was more to it but, couldn't figure it out. Our relationship is over, even though she still keep popping up here and there but, at least I finally have all the pieces to the puzzle. I know now that I never stood a chance with her, it was over long before it started. The reason I'm telling you this is because, as far as I can tell, this is not a well known illness amongst the general public. Nearly everyone I've told about this has never heard of it or if they have heard of it but, didn't know what it was. So, I'll ask this. Has anyone had a loved one with BPD and how did you deal with it?

http://www.bpdcentral.com/

geez did you hook up with my X? after she was misdiagnosed as scytsophrenic and manic depressive the finale was personality disorder,talk about some F'd up chit.They can be normal one moment and then you'de think you was in the twilight zone with the twisted shit they say and do!

if it's over dude run like hell and don't look back,they WILL drag you down with their sinking ship!

650brad
11th May 2007, 02:29
Ok, it's been awhile since I last posted about this and I was just going to let it lie but, just like clockwork, she calls me up, again. The last 2 times we split up it took her 3-3 1/2 months to start things over by calling me up, despite her own request to me that we have no contact, which I have honoured, besides the letter I wrote her recently. It's been just over 3 1/2 months this time. This time, it was to let me know that she could get me tickets to see Buddy Guy at the local casino, where she works. I love Buddy Guy, he's my favorite blues guitarist and probably in my top 5 favs., overall, and a heavy influence on my own playing style. Amazingly enough, I turned down the offer because I don't want to have anything to do with her and I know that this is part of her cycle. It's not the real reason she called and I know it. Now to the good part. I was telling a couple of guys at work about this call and was saying how tempting her offer was, because I'd love to see Buddy Guy. Well, one of the guy's wife works in the casino head office and he calls his wife to get me 2 tickets. Freakin' awesome. So, I'm hopping on my Sporty right now to go pay her and get my tickets. I knew my ex would show up soon, somehow, and she tried to use a weakness to start things over but, not only did I not fall for it, I still get to see one of my guitar heros. :p