PDA

View Full Version : Realizing lack of love in a relationship


yorgo
26th September 2007, 14:06
Biggest mistake of my life. I remarried for what I thought was for love. Instead I'm realizing that love truly is blind. I'm the idiot that fell for someone that ended up manipulating and using my feelings against me and my family. Its a long story I've been mulling over for a long time. Day after day I'm reminded and I always come back for more. She knows all she has to do is show the tiniest bit of affection when I start having doubts and I'm back to normal but I've been analyzing this for a while and it's really sad. I don't know why I'm writing this on this forum but I feel like I have to write it out since there is to talk to.

If you're thinking about getting married take a step back and ask yourself questions you would ask a friend in the same situation. Not being social has really done me in. Having nobody to ask or to listen to I fell into a trap that I truly regret now.

I won't bore you with the details but all I can say is beware the actions of the person you are in love with. They may not feel the same about you and take advantage and really make you miserable.

xena
26th September 2007, 14:20
Sounds like you're in a crappy situation but
I hope you are able to work things out. I think
posting here is a good outlet for people who may feel
alone and/or have nobody else to talk to.

Rascal
26th September 2007, 14:21
All the best Yorgo, hope things turn around soon for you. Marriage and relationships take a lot of work to make them successful, sometimes they just don't work out at all. Give it some more time, good luck to you.

sportyblue
26th September 2007, 16:44
Biggest mistake of my life. I remarried for what I thought was for love. Instead I'm realizing that love truly is blind. I'm the idiot that fell for someone that ended up manipulating and using my feelings against me and my family. Its a long story I've been mulling over for a long time. Day after day I'm reminded and I always come back for more. She knows all she has to do is show the tiniest bit of affection when I start having doubts and I'm back to normal but I've been analyzing this for a while and it's really sad. I don't know why I'm writing this on this forum but I feel like I have to write it out since there is to talk to.

If you're thinking about getting married take a step back and ask yourself questions you would ask a friend in the same situation. Not being social has really done me in. Having nobody to ask or to listen to I fell into a trap that I truly regret now.

I won't bore you with the details but all I can say is beware the actions of the person you are in love with. They may not feel the same about you and take advantage and really make you miserable.


Glad you were able to write it down. Yes, people who manipulate are hard to figure out because they seem to send mixed messages..... jerk your chain while flashing a smile.

Good luck and write again if the need arises.

Just_Todd
26th September 2007, 17:08
Dude, I know exactly how you feel. I'm married to a controlling, spiteful, manipulative BLEEEEAAAATTTCCCHH!

I blame myself. I put her on a pedestal and treated her like a queen. I did everything that she asked of me. I was the model husband.

I'm not anymore. I'm not her whipping boy anymore. I'm here for the kids, but that's it.

Brotha, I feel your pain!

Just_Todd
26th September 2007, 17:11
Furthermore...people who are controlling don't realize that they are controlling. It's their own insecurities that drive them to be that way. If things aren't going correctly in their lives, they tend to try to control anything and everyone around them. You can put your foot down...she'll apologize, but give it a week, and she'll revert back to drama-queen! (don't know about your wife, but just describing mine).

The demasculinization of men! What a concept. I'm through being nice.

sportyblue
26th September 2007, 17:26
Furthermore...people who are controlling don't realize that they are controlling. It's their own insecurities that drive them to be that way.


Exactly.........................................an d then when you think about what their insecurities are perhaps you have compassion in your heart for them even though emotionally you have moved on or maybe should move on for your own sanity.

RoadChick
26th September 2007, 17:31
I think it is great that you posted on the forum, it does help to get it out and talk to total strangers about it. It has helped me tremendously.

I am sorry you are going through this and if you need to keep posting, please do. I will support you and listen to what ever you have to say.:) :) :)

Just_Todd
26th September 2007, 17:35
yorgo, sorry for stealing your thread!

back to the situation at hand.

I'm not a control freak. I never tell her what to do, where or when to spend money. I give her complete freedom to make ALL the choices in her life. I share in some of those decisions. However, I am a bit of a rebel. I have a job, and my boss tells me what to do. I grew up and my parents told me what to do. The government tells me what to do. I don't need a spouse TELLING me what to do. I don't need another boss or parent. I admit, that is my insecurity, and I have a chip on my shoulder.

Some psychiatrists say that men with controlling wives inadvertently search for women who are strong and good decision makers. I agree with that. I was looking for someone that was emotionally stable, independent...BUT NOT CONTROLLING.

OK, my rant is finished.

yorgo, you can have your thread back!

RoadChick
26th September 2007, 17:37
Furthermore...people who are controlling don't realize that they are controlling. It's their own insecurities that drive them to be that way. If things aren't going correctly in their lives, they tend to try to control anything and everyone around them. You can put your foot down...she'll apologize, but give it a week, and she'll revert back to drama-queen! (don't know about your wife, but just describing mine).

The demasculinization of men! What a concept. I'm through being nice.

This happens to woman too! It happened to me and I moved on, but I do not have kids so that's a different story!

Sorry you have to live in misery. Can you talk her into counseling?

Just_Todd
26th September 2007, 17:47
I've tried. We actually went to marriage counselling for a few weeks. The shrink said to her. "It sounds as if you have control issues". This upset her, she agreed to be nicer. That lasted about 2 to 3 weeks. After talking with her parents and brother, they all agree that she's been this way for many years. I somewhat blame her parents. She's daddy's little girl. Every time she says jump, daddy jumps. Now, I guess she expects any man in her life to jump.

Don't think I'm here just to bash on my wife. 83.75% of the time she is a very loving, considerate, passionate wife and mother. I love her, but she's such a P.I.T.A.!

If I didn't love her, it would be very easy for me to leave. I just don't love some of her personality traits.

yorgo
26th September 2007, 18:15
This happens to woman too! It happened to me and I moved on, but I do not have kids so that's a different story!

Sorry you have to live in misery. Can you talk her into counseling?

Yes I can talk her into counseling but I really don't think it will help. The issue is very clear to me. Thinking back to the beginning, just a couple of years ago (but seems like a lifetime) I can confidently say that she was never in love. She saw an opportunity with potential and she did her thing. She will sit in front of a counselor and totally control the situation. "Yes of course I love him" as she pulls the knife out of my back.

yorgo
26th September 2007, 18:16
yorgo, sorry for stealing your thread!

back to the situation at hand.

I'm not a control freak. I never tell her what to do, where or when to spend money. I give her complete freedom to make ALL the choices in her life. I share in some of those decisions. However, I am a bit of a rebel. I have a job, and my boss tells me what to do. I grew up and my parents told me what to do. The government tells me what to do. I don't need a spouse TELLING me what to do. I don't need another boss or parent. I admit, that is my insecurity, and I have a chip on my shoulder.

Some psychiatrists say that men with controlling wives inadvertently search for women who are strong and good decision makers. I agree with that. I was looking for someone that was emotionally stable, independent...BUT NOT CONTROLLING.

OK, my rant is finished.

yorgo, you can have your thread back!

No problem. All this is very helpful to me. At least its something to compare my nightmare to.

yorgo
26th September 2007, 18:20
Furthermore...people who are controlling don't realize that they are controlling. It's their own insecurities that drive them to be that way. If things aren't going correctly in their lives, they tend to try to control anything and everyone around them. You can put your foot down...she'll apologize, but give it a week, and she'll revert back to drama-queen! (don't know about your wife, but just describing mine).

The demasculinization of men! What a concept. I'm through being nice.

Man this sounds so familiar. For the past year I've been putting my foot down after she gets to be too much. We will have a huge fight about something and she realizes just how strongly I feel about whatever it is and backs down for a couple of days. Then, just like a light switch, control all over again. I am living a journey to her ideal life. Its all about her goals with ZERO consideration to my goals.

RoadChick
26th September 2007, 18:30
Yeah, counseling only helps if the person admits they have a problem and they want to change.

SportyJoe
26th September 2007, 18:41
Man this sounds so familiar. For the past year I've been putting my foot down after she gets to be too much. We will have a huge fight about something and she realizes just how strongly I feel about whatever it is and backs down for a couple of days. Then, just like a light switch, control all over again. I am living a journey to her ideal life. Its all about her goals with ZERO consideration to my goals.

Damn Yorgo.... are you married to my X wife? I got out! (thank God I had no children with her) You may need to do the same. I feel for ya brotha.

Just_Todd
26th September 2007, 18:46
Like I said before, I've never wanted to be a controlling person, it's just not me. BUT, I did buy her a book, a bit on the extreme side. It's called "The Surrendered Wife". Some people praise it, femenists blast it. I can understand both sides of the argument. The book basically states, "If you want your husband to be more responsive to your needs, stop asking...give in". Sorta like the old expression, if you love something, let it go???

She thought it was insulting and threw the book away. It was worth a try. Many women have regained the affection of their husbands as well as their commitment to the family and household duties. "How do you get your husband to take out the trash? Stop nagging him about it every 15 minutes!"

I digress...

Just_Todd
26th September 2007, 18:48
Road Chick, I think I'll go lesbian also! LOL

jessearias
27th September 2007, 06:14
If it's worth fighting for than do it, if not move on. There's always a better one around the corner.

Lifes to short to sweat the dumb stuff.

XLFREAK
27th September 2007, 16:46
Man I feel both you Guys pain . I am in the same situation .

Mine stayed at home with the Child for the last 13 years then got a job recently . Its like now she thinks she is supporting us now when I worked 2-3 jobs for the last 17 years to allow her to do what she wanted . I still work a full time Job and run my leather Holster business which is on my property so I have a place to hide .

Plus she only has time for other people I.E . her Mom , Her freinds and two little kids she has at our house for fri-sat-sun from 0530 to 730 each day .

There is no time for US anymore and I feel like a stranger in the home I have worked so hard to pay for . Now I feel like just leaving but I dont want to run out on my 14 year old Child .

My Wife complains about this ache or that ache or she dont feel good but if her mom wants to run to town she is all better . she is 36 and acts 56 . she is way to tired when it comes time for me anymore .

One night I waited til she went to bed then went in and had a aspirin and a glass of water . I put the aspirin in her lips and she woke up and said what are you doing . I said giving you something for your headache . She said I dont have a headache . I said good lets make out . She yelled at me and went back to bed . I thought it was funny but she never , ever has a sense of humor . she can watch comedy and never see the punch line .

Get this Guys she THOUGHT wild hogs was stupid , I thought it was funny until I realized that I compare to the black Guy in my Married situation . Now I am depressed .

I have got to the point I dont want to even go home after work anymore finding it easier to stay at work .

I dont know what to do but its been like five months without sex and I really dont even care anymore about that .

I know I am in a miserable deal here but trying to raise my Kid and not have some other Guy be Daddy to my Girl if you know what I mean . Plus on her salary which is not much she couldnt make it on her own for even a week .

I think I could make any amount of money and I still wouldnt have a dime in my pocket because they spend it faster than I can make it anymore .

The whole time I am home its like being around the Woman from Throw Momma from the train woman , she constantly demands something from me or my daughter and there is no relaxing at home anymore . We cant sit down and watch TV or get on the Computer because she will interupt us to get us to do something .Theres either something he wants done or some people or other kids there constantly .

I am seriously thinking after my Daughter graduates in 3 years about just getting on my Bike and dissappearing out west somewhere .

I have been under someones thumb all my life and I am sick of it . Its time to enjoy life as I am in my late 30s and not be a puppet for a controlling Women . I cook , I clean , I wash clothes dishes , mow the yard Wash Her Vehicle and clean it out , I iron my own stuff and I take care of about everything else . She works 25 hours a week a flops out on the couch with the two kids from a freind of hers three days which is during our weekend off time and pays no one else any attention and I am about sick of it .

I have voiced my concern to her about the problem the Baby Sitting is causing and I seriously think she would choose the Kids over me right now .

I have done nothing but treat her like a Queen and now its biting me in the ass big time . I guess I made her this way and now I gotta reap what I sowed .

sportyblue
27th September 2007, 16:58
Man I feel both you Guys pain . I am in the same situation .

Mine stayed at home with the Child for the last 13 years then got a job recently . Its like now she thinks she is supporting us now when I worked 2-3 jobs for the last 17 years to allow her to do what she wanted . I still work a full time Job and run my leather Holster business which is on my property so I have a place to hide .

Plus she only has time for other people I.E . her Mom , Her freinds and two little kids she has at our house for fri-sat-sun from 0530 to 730 each day .

There is no time for US anymore and I feel like a stranger in the home I have worked so hard to pay for . Now I feel like just leaving but I dont want to run out on my 14 year old Child .

My Wife complains about this ache or that ache or she dont feel good but if her mom wants to run to town she is all better . she is 36 and acts 56 . she is way to tired when it comes time for me anymore .

One night I waited til she went to bed then went in and had a aspirin and a glass of water . I put the aspirin in her lips and she woke up and said what are you doing . I said giving you something for your headache . She said I dont have a headache . I said good lets make out . She yelled at me and went back to bed . I thought it was funny but she never , ever has a sense of humor . she can watch comedy and never see the punch line .

Get this Guys she THOUGHT wild hogs was stupid , I thought it was funny until I realized that I compare to the black Guy in my Married situation . Now I am depressed .

I have got to the point I dont want to even go home after work anymore finding it easier to stay at work .

I dont know what to do but its been like five months without sex and I really dont even care anymore about that .

I know I am in a miserable deal here but trying to raise my Kid and not have some other Guy be Daddy to my Girl if you know what I mean . Plus on her salary which is not much she couldnt make it on her own for even a week .

I think I could make any amount of money and I still wouldnt have a dime in my pocket because they spend it faster than I can make it anymore .

The whole time I am home its like being around the Woman from Throw Momma from the train woman , she constantly demands something from me or my daughter and there is no relaxing at home anymore . We cant sit down and watch TV or get on the Computer because she will interupt us to get us to do something .Theres either something he wants done or some people or other kids there constantly .

I am seriously thinking after my Daughter graduates in 3 years about just getting on my Bike and dissappearing out west somewhere .

I have been under someones thumb all my life and I am sick of it . Its time to enjoy life as I am in my late 30s and not be a puppet for a controlling Women . I cook , I clean , I wash clothes dishes , mow the yard Wash Her Vehicle and clean it out , I iron my own stuff and I take care of about everything else . She works 25 hours a week a flops out on the couch with the two kids from a freind of hers three days which is during our weekend off time and pays no one else any attention and I am about sick of it .

I have voiced my concern to her about the problem the Baby Sitting is causing and I seriously think she would choose the Kids over me right now .

I have done nothing but treat her like a Queen and now its biting me in the ass big time . I guess I made her this way and now I gotta reap what I sowed .

Wow, that's a sad story. The bit about the aspirin was good though....I got a chuckle out of that. And it's good to hear other people still like ironed cloths. I love ironed cloths. Hope you work your life out after your daughter is grown.......your a good dad !

Skinner
27th September 2007, 17:13
I guess I made her this way and now I gotta reap what I sowed .

Sorry Jafo / guys, but I think you doomed yourselves. Jafo - I give you credit for realizing "what went wrong" though. Here's some rep points for sticking it out for your daughter as well!

I have a couple buddies who have made the same mistake and are both currently paying for it. Albeit I don't know for how much longer.

I get ragged by them every time I see them (on the slim chance I see them now and then) on how lucky I am I got such as good wife, blah, blah blah. Luck had nothing to do with it. I told them both their GF's at the time were too controlling and that was no way to live your life. Trying to be what she expected them to be and not who they were.

Both of these clowns gave me the "It will be better once we get married" bit. "She will be happy and everything will be good." BS! Now they have even bigger problems! One idiot is even considering having a second kid with her because that will "make it better." Great! Now another kid that is going to get raised watching Mommy and Daddy fight all the time. UF'believeable! No wonder this world is going to hell in a hand basket.

You cannot / should not have to change who you are or what you do in your life. (Unless it is having a negative impact on your life - ie drugs, alcohol, ect) You should not change who you are especially for someone else to make a relationship work. It never works out in the end cause everything always comes back full circle.

Sorry for the rant but my two buddies that are always crying me the blues really crank me some times.

Skinner

XLFREAK
27th September 2007, 21:34
Yeah I hear the try another Kid thing all the time . I am not doing that because then it would just prolong the deal .

I guess its my fault for spoiling her for 14 years then asking her to go to work and now she wants to quit and stay at home again after getting more bills to pay .

I dont know what to do but wait it out and see if it gets better or not .

As for fighting I dont fight , never will . I have never hit a Woman and never will ( I am a Cop by the way ) . I will walk away before I resort to any violence in my home .

We did really good up until this last year which is about when she started working . But she works 25 hours a week then babysets all weekend so it kills our weekends off . we are just tied down and she dont want me to get away because she cant so she makes me set and wait it out . I guess I need to grow a pair and just take off and do something . Its like these kids that are not ours rule her every move . She says we need the money . I say she would rather have them there for free than give them up , she really loves those Kids . I think more than me and our 14 year old because they love her unconditionally and think she is God or something .

Guess I ougtha quit griping like a whiny Guy and just figure out what to do .

Its pretty bad when I can talk to people I never met easier than my own Wife about things . At least here I get honest answers .

yorgo
28th September 2007, 13:29
I told them both their GF's at the time were too controlling and that was no way to live your life. Trying to be what she expected them to be and not who they were.

Both of these clowns gave me the "It will be better once we get married" bit. "She will be happy and everything will be good." BS!

You cannot / should not have to change who you are or what you do in your life. You should not change who you are especially for someone else to make a relationship work. It never works out in the end cause everything always comes back full circle.

Skinner

Skin you are absolutely right about that. When I was dating my demon I was extra careful with what came out of my mouth, opened the car door for her, defended her, and basically let her walk all over me. Just because I was a nice guy I wouldn't say sh!t when she would get bent and give me hell because I had kids with my first wife. I stood there like an idiot and not fire back just to avoid a fight. Over time all this negativity ate me up inside. Seeing how I allowed myself to be controlled really got to me. I was never like this before, why had I turned into a pussy? Then, when she started limiting the time my kids could visit (TWICE a year for 1 week each visit b/c they live 1000 miles away) I freakin lost it. After that things have not been the same. I'm the one that will pick fights now. IF she even raises her voice at me I will mop the floor clean with her ass. Anyhow, you get the picture. Looking at myself objectively over the last couple years I would consider myself a true a-hole for not standing my ground earlier. Now I'm screwed cause we have a little boy together. I love him to death though. He's the only reason I return to hell each night after work.

XLXR
28th September 2007, 14:11
Yikes, some pretty rough stories. I decided to divorce the last wife when she started to tell me how to throw some old jeans in the dryer. The current wife and I have a saying we use when we are mad at each other "I love you, MOST OF THE DAMN TIME."

It might help to go to the bookstore and find a book about how to live with a controlling partner. Not that you can change them, but to give you some ideas to help you cope. I don't know any books in particular, but there must be some.

Just_Todd
28th September 2007, 16:58
OK, time to add a twist to my story. Yesterday afternoon after work, I went to the local ice house. Was drinking a couple of beers. My wife called, she said she was at a happy hour with the girls. Great, not dwelling on what I'm doing.

I find out later, that's NOT what she was doing. I had my suspicions.

She told me the whole story over dinner. She was talking with a marriage counselor. She told the counselor that she was a controlling, nagging, bitchy wife and wanted to change before she loses her husband.

My jaw dropped. Then we went home and had "make up" sex.

WOW, I'm still in shock (at both).

yorgo
28th September 2007, 17:18
OK, time to add a twist to my story. Yesterday afternoon after work, I went to the local ice house. Was drinking a couple of beers. My wife called, she said she was at a happy hour with the girls. Great, not dwelling on what I'm doing.

I find out later, that's NOT what she was doing. I had my suspicions.

She told me the whole story over dinner. She was talking with a marriage counselor. She told the counselor that she was a controlling, nagging, bitchy wife and wanted to change before she loses her husband.

My jaw dropped. Then we went home and had "make up" sex.

WOW, I'm still in shock (at both).

Congrats! Weird huh. She must have read this thread. Sex? What the hell is that? Been so long I forgot.

Just_Todd
28th September 2007, 17:23
That's one area of our relationship that has NO problems.

el jinete fantasma
28th September 2007, 18:48
OK, time to add a twist to my story. Yesterday afternoon after work, I went to the local ice house. Was drinking a couple of beers. My wife called, she said she was at a happy hour with the girls. Great, not dwelling on what I'm doing.

I find out later, that's NOT what she was doing. I had my suspicions.

She told me the whole story over dinner. She was talking with a marriage counselor. She told the counselor that she was a controlling, nagging, bitchy wife and wanted to change before she loses her husband.

My jaw dropped. Then we went home and had "make up" sex.

WOW, I'm still in shock (at both).
I'd be suspicious... sleep with one eye open!;)

Gone
28th September 2007, 21:21
Congrats! Weird huh. She must have read this thread. Sex? What the hell is that? Been so long I forgot.

it must have some thing to do with the gals born in 1974:doh

DC in PHX
28th September 2007, 22:17
Leave her dude! You only live once, you got to make the best with what you have left. You WILL find the right girl later:)

Best of luck

DC

DC in PHX
28th September 2007, 22:18
Dude, I know exactly how you feel. I'm married to a controlling, spiteful, manipulative BLEEEEAAAATTTCCCHH!

I blame myself. I put her on a pedestal and treated her like a queen. I did everything that she asked of me. I was the model husband.

I'm not anymore. I'm not her whipping boy anymore. I'm here for the kids, but that's it.

Brotha, I feel your pain!

If you love the hell out of her, you love the hell into her!:rolleyes:

DC

Just_Todd
28th September 2007, 22:34
IF I leave her, I definitely WON'T be looking for another (at least nothing committed). I'll stay SINGLE for a LOOOOOOONG time!

XLFREAK
29th September 2007, 15:28
Its a trick Todd , Run for your life .

Man must be great to actually go into a bar and drink a beer .

I dont really drink but it would be nice to have that freedom .

I havent been into a Bar in 20 years , yes I was 19 at the time . I just really dont have the desire to go to them.

I dont smoke although a good Cigar once in a blue moon I like .

I like Jack and Coke , Margeritas I love and Fuzzy Navels . But I never really got into drinking much . My Grandma ran a tavern and later a liquor store after she got to old to fight with the drunks as she put it , guess I saw to much bad stuff from drinking so I only do it as a social thing and I limit myself . Now when I go to Deer Camp once a year I drink a bunch of Beer cause I am way back in the woods on 1200 acres and the only way in is on a ATV . I know I aint driving and we lock all the Guns up . But we dont ever get stupid or out of control . Tip lots of Beer and a package of Oreo's dont mix . Ask my Buddy what happens at 03:00 am while he was running out the tent yelling bring the toilet paper. I was laughing so hard it hurt . Hearing him shuffling through the leaves going Oh God , Oh God , Oh God . Thought I was listening to a Porn movie .

well we were alone for the first time in months last night . I took a hot bath ,she took a hot bath , I am thinking Yes this is it . Know what happened , she started griping about her back hurt and her stomach hurt . Never did while the Kids were here . and when my Daughter got in from the Game she was feeling fine and went to bed .

Now I am up this morning cause the Kids came at 0530 and the Screaming Baby woke me up from getting even one day off of late sleep whuich for me is 9:00 am .

thinking of getting my Bike out and just disappering all day and let her set and wonder about how things are going .

Think I will go try to wear the rest of the rubber off my front tire its almost gone , Later Gang .

DC in PHX
29th September 2007, 21:12
"Tip: lots of Beer and a package of Oreo's dont mix" :D :p :laugh :laugh

I may put that line in my sig!:laugh :laugh

DC